we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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