So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
