Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
