Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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