I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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