Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
