I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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