I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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