She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
