Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
