I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
