My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
