If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
