she looked like the bat from fern gully.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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