I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
