Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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