There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
