i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize