hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
