My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
