i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
