Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
this just has baby written all over it
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Randomize
