Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
