If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
