fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
