Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
