Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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