yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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