Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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