I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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