I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
