I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
