im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize