He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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