from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
