is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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