I hate your face
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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