She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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