I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize