She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
