You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize