you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
