Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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