true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
