just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
