I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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