we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize