i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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