In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
