just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
