He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
there is puke in my bra ... again
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
