My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
