it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
