she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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