I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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