Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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