i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
