i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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