So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
