I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
